There was no way to put an end to this or so I thought.The clammy hands and skin,the pulsating and pounding sound of my own heart beat and hyperventilation that refuses to go away.It’s like my very life is being sucked out of me.The jitteriness and fear that lingers in my unfocused eyes.I tell myself that I’m okay.I lie to myself so that I can help me take a step.I’d completely loss track of what lies ahead.Tomorrow didn’t matter; I had to get through today.I had to get pass the fears; imaginations that were realities in my mind.
My own awareness working against me.My mind has become so susceptible and my emotions have become like the bridle of a horse controlling the whole of me.
It’s okay if it were physical but this is a fight to be fought in my head.I’ve become an examiner, dissecting to the very core of this matter and carrying out an autopsy of what could possibly have gone wrong.There’s fog hovering over my mind;my judgment is clouded.My solutions are of no help and the laboured breathing persists.I just can’t seem to dust off this shakiness.
So I prayed.
I picked my worries one after the other and molded them into a prayer.The frustrations and worries came gushing.I understand I handled things impetuously so here I am.
I have arrived.I’m broken.I’m hurt. I’m unfinished and I gave in to my emotions.I know this won’t be a quick fix but like chemotherapy, it will take time, gradually permeating through my cells.I’m ready to do it your way; my methods failed me.