Recurring day of Elle

It’s an all so familiar road
One that reeks of the murky past
And yet, here I find myself again
I’m deep in the waters
One brimming with so many fears
And incalculable long dark nights
I’m drowning
Over and over again
I see no around to yank me out
Everyone else seemed to have taken a step forward
And yet, here I am
Reliving the horrors of the past countless of times
Hold on, I’m often told
And that’s what I do
Hanging in there
I’m uncertain about too many things these days
But here’s what I’m certain about
These are no words of despondency

She…

Today she will look boldly into the mirror

And stare at she who stares intently back

She will smile at the girl in the mirror and embrace every bit of beauty and flaws she possesses

Acknowledging every inch of her craziness and ingenuity

Today she’ll say well done to the one she sees in the mirror

For not remaining down when she fell

For always finding her way back

Today, she’ll pay no attention to the highly opinionated views of the world

Today she makes peace with her past,washes her tear stricken face and takes a step forward, ready to move on

Today she listens to the still small voice and tunes in to the peace and quiet within

Today we’ll say to the demon within “not today”

For today, a new dawn breaks.

The Year in Review (2019)

I’ve wanted to do this review for sometime now.I got occupied due to school and exams so I actually just got to it.This is going to be my longest post yet and bare with me, it’s not in any order, more like a general summary of the year. A recap of what has happened so far isn’t quite bad. It has a refreshing feel to it: to remember the moments and the experiences, both good and bad alike.I wanted to do this without having to say too much but yet still say enough.

2019 began just like any other year full of exuberance and positive energy from people. Renewed hopes, new plans and the usual new year resolutions.I made my own few plans as well.But generally it’s been an odd year, I really do not know how to call it. It’s been all sort of emotions.I dealt with bouts of anxiety here and there; which was a huge struggle in the early parts of the year.This year has really been filled with some trying moments.It was a journey of self discovery for me.If anything, I believe I know myself a little better than I did last year and better in dealing with my emotions. I deliberately made attempts to get to know myself better and to improve myself.

One thing I really wanted to do this year was to invest in and make time for books and which I’m glad to say wasn’t quite bad and that was how I discovered John C Maxwell (I absolutely adore him and I’ve only just completed one of his books titled NO LIMITS and moving to the next).Mostly, the books I read were christian literature.I didn’t do much fictional reading. Unfortunately, I started some few books I couldn’t complete.

Blog-wise, It was part of my plans to have a certain number of posts this year. It seems like peanuts compared to others but I definitely achieved that goal alongside gaining additional followers. I’m really grateful for the support and encouragements from my readers and followers, It did keep me on my toes. I do hope we can do this again in 2020 .
My three favourite posts this year are (not so easy having to pick favourites out of your works,I do love them all):

Uncut: this post was more like an anniversary post.I wrote this right before my birthday.Its a reflective piece of how far i have come and how I believe there’s been growth despite everything. It was more like a note to myself and also the first prose I attempted on my blog.

The remnants of the past: a piece on how our past can sometimes hold us back,especially in moments when we think we’re over them. I had the opportunity to read this piece in church as well during a youth program.

Mama: a tribute for mama in memory of her 10 year death anniversary.

Also,today happens to be my two year blogoversary😆🎉🎊

This year came with a very painful and heartbreaking loss. A period that left me in a state of disbelief. There were still some great moments, little adventures and new stuffs. I made a super cool friend this year (now that’s a long story) and this friend has been super amazing, Encouraging and inspiring in every aspects. He got me through some really tough moments this year. I’d like to call him the “Gentle Giant”.
I also had my white coat ceremony in September and it was such a joyous and reflective moment for me.

There’s too much to say and too much in mind. Most importantly, I’m grateful to God for every event that has happened this year. It’s the end of another year and it’s no casual thing that I’m here at this very moment. Now more than ever, I truly understand the gift of life, to wake up to a new day each day. It’s no casual thing. I’m grateful for everyone that came my way and both the losses and gains. See you in 2020 😊

One song that accurately summarized the year is Memories by Maroon 5.

Behind the Scenes

We’ve all faced some kind of demon(s) at some point of our lives or even still facing one. A daily and seemingly unending situation. The fact that you keep fighting, living and pushing through cannot be overridden nor dismissed.

bs

What we see isn’t always what there is
What is seen, isn’t always what one gets
There’s more than meets the eye
Behind the scenes are what we do not see
You’ve probably got some crazy crap going on
Appearances seem unruffled and deceiving
Yet within is some deep bubbling and boiling
There’s this crazy crap you’re going through
I cast a glance and conclude too quickly
Your well collected manner and frame; a disguise to what is actually going on
A mixture of messed up situations, incomprehensible events and brokenness
Deep rooted addictions and hurts
Your worst fears and nightmares
You’ve been stained and scarred
Inspite of it all, you’ve kept going
You’ve kept the shell composed
All I can say is you’ve been strong
Behind the curtains, is a totally different individual
One that has been crushed and squeezed a couple of times
One that fights through each day
Battling with thoughts beyond imagination
Thoughts that are mentally oppressive and depressive
It’s the end of the year again
It may not have been so smooth
It may have been a long hard one
But again, you’ve gotten through it
All I can say is, Dayumn!
You’ve been strong


Inspite of…

My heart beats furiously within its cage

My blood courses through me,surging through my veins

The fear is pumped all over as I imagine the impossibilities

No,let me rephrase it

I imagine the difficulties this could bring

The nights with continuous tossing and turning

As I do the usual pre-analysis

I feel it,I know it

The self-doubts and the inner struggles

I know it,I’ve seen it

Yet I still live

I’ll still go on with it

I still live inspite of the fear

Mi Casa

I’m probably too serious about everything

Consequently missing out the fun in every thing

So here I am, making an attempt at a bit of unseriousness with a sprinkle of ridiculousness glazed with some frankness

Here’s what I have to offer

A few writings lacking rhyme and rhythm maybe

A few jokes and comments that could pop a smile on your face

Some words that could soothe your mental chaos

But hey, I can be the real deal if we could get past the veil

A beautiful piece of melody that can provide you the remedy

I’ve heard that I can be conservative sometimes ;grasping too hard and refusing to let go

I’m the one who believes in the magic of friendship and the healing that it offers

I believe there’s so much beauty around

Beautiful art that paints our lives

Welcome to my house

A place I call home

My blood taints the walls

My scars lay bear

This is mi casa

SOMNIPHOBIA

My eyelids get heavier and heavier yet they’ve refused to give in to slumber;sleep procrastinates

All I can do is constantly check the time hoping that the morning creeps in soon

My mind feels foggy,I can’t seem to think straight

My mind wanders off too easily

And I fear,I fear where this wandering mind of mine may lead me

I wonder if there is anything behind the blackness…

QUESTIONS

I haven’t got much to say, just a lot of questions on my mind.


My questions are not so new

They are the same questions asked over and over again

My frustration and anguish is nothing new

It’s a repetition

Pain in this life is no strange thing,it’s a cycle

Life is fleeting;here today and gone in the next second

I was told to pen down my questions

But then, who will answer them?